Bananas for Bananas
by hkhkcat
Summary: Hermione wakes up in the morning when she feels a strange urge to eat food . . . a certain food. Quickly she eats all of that food, and then she is UNSTOPPABLE!
1. Introduction

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, just FYI. **

It was the end of the year. Everyone was getting restless, especially when Hermione starts craving a certain food . . .

_**~NARRATOR~**_

Hermione woke up early in the morning. She looked at the other third-year girls sleeping.

She had an urge to sleep in the boy's dorm with her friends, Harry and Ron, however that was quickly extinguished when she felt a tug from her stomach. It was telling her to eat, but not just food. It was telling her to eat a banana . . .

She quickly got dressed but didn't bother to make her bed. Anyway, why bother to make a bed when you're just going to sleep in it later?

Soon everyone rushed up, but Hermione was still the first one into the dining hall. She saw a GIANT platter of bananas laid out before her, her eyes watering with ecstasy.

"I'm here for you," she said, whispering to them, before she quickly took the fattest, ripest one and devoured it, peel and all. She ate three more that way, before realizing she finally had to stop.

But she couldn't stop. She ate them all, and her belly was bulging like a bear's full of warm, sweet honey.

Soon everyone came rushing down, and Dumbledore saw the banana platter at the Gryffindor table suddenly empty. "Where did the bananas go?" he boomed. "Show yourself, whoever ate these. You shall pay!"


	2. Dumbledore's New Favorite

_**~Hermione~**_

Sweat was dripping down my face. _I can't say anything. Dumbledore . . . he's changed. And he certainly like bananas._

I cracked up at that one. Dumbledore seemed to have heard me, though.

He peered down at me with his beady eyes. "So it was you . . . eh?" He smiled in an evil-plotty sort of way.

"No!" I said. "It was . . . Malfoy!"

"Oh, I wouldn't have been Malfoy. I just love that dear boy. So kind and true. He would never do that. But you . . . you would totally do that!" He giggled and sounded like a valley girl.

"B-B-But . . . I thought you liked me!" I said quizzically. I glanced at Harry desperately for help, but he doesn't do anything.

"Oh, that was yesterday. I've matured much more since then."

I could see the whole school watching me. Now I was more scared than ever. Was he going to whip me in public or something? Just seeing that grin on his face made me get the chills.

_**~Malfoy~**_

I see water trickling down that drip Hermione's face. What'd she do, take a shower?

Dumbledore is watching her. This is going to be a great moment. I can't wait to see her get hurt.

"So it was you . . . eh?" I hear him say. Ha! Wow! This is the best day ever . . .

"No!" she says. Just like her. To deny something a teacher says. What a smart-aleck. And then, she says that it was me. What a brat!

But then Dumbledore sticks up for me. What a nice guy. But he's never been one to giggle. I HATE giggling.

And then she says Dumbledore liked her or something. Like anyone would like her. It's just those two dumbbells, Harry and Ron. I think they have a crush on her or something. Ha!

"Oh, that was yesterday. I've matured much more since then." I thought you were already mature, Dumbledore, being 500 years old. What a brick!

Now the whole school's walking her. Too bad she's one for public speaking.

_**~Harry~**_

OH MY VOLDEMORT! I really wanted a banana this morning, but Hermione ate all them.

Now she's sweating. Well, I would sweat if _new_ Dumbledore looked at me. He's really mean!

"So it was you, eh?" he says. Of course it was Hermione. She's a girl, and girls love bananas. Everyone knows that. Then she denies it. She should've just said yes. That would be less pain.

And then, guess what. Dumbledore says that Malfoy's a _dear boy._ If anyone's a dear boy, it's me. It was me who's parents died. Give me the honor! I deserve it. And then he giggles.

I can hear her next to me. "B-B-But I thought you liked me," she said. Then she looks at me, like she's asking for help or something. I raise my eyebrows in a way that says _No way am I gonna help you with this guy._

Now he says he's matured. It seems like he's less mature, if anything.

Too bad for Hermione, and if she'd saved a banana for me, nothing would have happened. Ever.


	3. Filch's Torture

_**~Hermione~**_

Dumbledore leans in closer to me, and I can feel his hot breath on my neck. "So?"

"I-I did it!" I yell. "I ate the bananas!" I hope that that will get me less pain. But my life is soooo ruined right now, it won't for sure.

Now Filch storms over. "Come with me, little lady." I follow him, his hot breath onmy neck now, too.

Well, I follow him, and the small hallway opens up into a small chamber. He opens the door and bolts it behind him.

"What's that stuff on the walls?" I ask him.

"Soundproofing. So no one can hear you scream . . . " he said, then smiled, revealing a mouth of chipped and yellow teeth.

"Why can't you just use magic?" I ask. Filch tenses up at that.

"Extra torture for you, little lady."

"Torture?" I ask. "Are you going to torture me?"

"You bet, little lady."

"Does Dumbledore know about this?"

"Of course, little lady. And all the teachers do, too, little lady."

I shudder, and Filch grins in delight.

"Are you ready, little lady?" He straps me down onto an uncomfortable metal chair and then raises it up high.

He reaches out a hand for my foot, and all of a sudden makes a strange movement. I'm being...tickled!

I laugh and scream at the same time in agony. "Ahh! Ha ha ha! OH MY VOLDEMORT STOP!"

After an hour of this terrible yet rather funny sensation, he stops. I'm let down, and given a warning.

Then I go to Potions class, and it's just started.

"Hey Snape, do you have any bananas?"


	4. Potions Class

_**~Ron~**_

As I walk over to Potions class, I can see Hermione coming forward, shaking slightly and clutching her foot.

I see her mouthing something about . . . bananas?

"Hermione!" I try to rush over to her, but Snape quickly silences me with a shush.

"Weasley! Sit down! And same to you, Granger."

"Yes, sir!" I salute, then sit down into my seat.

After a couple minutes, Snape was at the other side of the room, so I whisper into her ear.

"Hermione! What'd Filch do to you?"

"I - I don't want to talk about it," she shivers. "How about we work on the potion?"

"Great," I say.

"Okay," she mutters. "First put in ten chopped newts." She sweeps in a handful of dead lizards. Well, they were chopped. "Next put in eight porcupine quills." She drops in eight spines, one narrowly missing me.

"Watch where you're going!" I say, a little too loud.

"Weasley! One point off for noise in class. And Granger! One point off for terrible aim!"

Draco Malfoy smirks at us, so I thumb my nose at him.

"Two points, Weasley. Be kinder to your classmates."

I scoff, again too loud. "Two more points, Weasley. Take a warning."

I roll my eyes away from sight and then drop in the dried roaches it says. Next I stir it ten times. When I stop, Hermione starts shrieking. "One more, Ron!" So I do it one more, but nothing changes.

Eventually our potion is a muddy green, compared to the bright orange of the rest of the class.

"Well, that went well," Hermione mutters. I shrug in agreement.

When Snape walks over to see ours, he scowls. "An example, I see."

"Come here to the cauldron," he beckons the rest of the class.

They all walk over, exchanging grins about our failure of a potion. Crabbe and Goyle laugh out loud.

"And I'm sure you'd like to taste it, Weasley," he croons softly.

No one argues with Snape, but all the Slytherins chant their agreement.

"Yes! Yes! Yes!"

So I step forward to have a taste.

When I drink it, it's surprisingly tasty - like swiss cheese. Soon I've drunk the whole cauldron.

"It's good you liked it," Hermione says, "because I wrote down the whole recipe!"

"Good," I smile, and Snape grimaces in frustration that the mixture didn't finish me off for good. Malfoy and his band of followers are doing the same.

However, before I know it, I feel a strange sensation in my head.

I start to turn yellow, but slowly, not like the color rushes over me like you see in cheesy Muggle movies.

As the feeling creeps over me, I start feeling . . . warm. It actually feels kind of good!

But not for long. Soon little holes start creeping all over me and they're all in my legs and my arms and on my face and the whole class was laughing. Maybe it's good that I'm yellow, so none of them can see me blushing.

Next I turn . . . square and plop to the floor, and I can head everyone talking but I can't say anything. Hermione brings down her little pocket mirror and I can see myself.

**I'M A BLOCK OF SWISS CHEESE!**


	5. Ron's Predicament

_**~Hermione~**_

As I stared at the 'cheese' on the floor, suddenly it started to move. It hopped over to the door and blasted its way through. Soon there was a cheese-shaped hole in the door, like you see in cartoons.

The whole class was cracking up, except Snape. He tried to regain order, but it didn't work. Kids streamed out of the door, some crawling out of the small hole.

We all sprinted over to the cheese jumping around in the middle of the Dining Hall. "Ron! Ron!" I called.

It turned around to see me, but then there was a strange red glow around it. It hopped away like a frog.

"Is Ron . . . blushing?" I whispered to Harry.

"I think so," Harry said back. He then ran over to the cheese and picked it up.

"Ron, you okay?" he asked.

The cheese hopped around excitedly.

"I guess that means yes," I smiled.

"It's dinner time!" Harry suddenly cried. Students were gathering in the hall. As everyone sat down, we did too. Soon silver platters and golden goblets full of the finest food and drink were on the tables.

Soon a Gryffindor seventh-year reached for Ron-A BLOCK OF CHEESE!

"Whoa there!" I shouted, grabbing Ron. "Easy, man! Can't you see this is my friend?"

The seventh-year shrugged and looked at me like I was crazy. "If you say so," he squinted.

"You okay, Ronny?" I asked, caressing Ron like a puppy.

"He's not a dawg!" Harry yelled. "C'mon, Hermione. Show some feelin'!"

**THIS IS WHERE IT GETS RANDOM WARNING**

_**~Harry~ **_

After dinner, I carried Ron up to my room.

I tucked him into his bed and went to sleep.

**IN DA MORNIN**

I woke up to find Ron gone, but with a bunch of cheese crumbs all over his bed.

"NUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU! ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON . . . CHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSE!" I screamed in pain.

"What's wrong?" Neville asked.

"Ron is gone!"

"Here," Neville crooned. "Say this five times fast. New York."

"New York? New York New Nork Yew York New York Yew Nork."

"Good," Neville said, both us completely forgetting about Ron.

_**~Hermione~**_

I woke up in the morning and saw Ron staring at me with his cheese eyes.

"AHHHHH!" I screamed softly.

"It's okay," the cheese said, opening its mouth.

"You can talk now?" I asked.

"Yep," Ron said. "Now let's go to Professor McGonagall's class."

"Whatever you say, Ronny!"

When we got to Transformation, Ron leaped up into his chair, and McGonagall started the class.

Ron successfully turned a table into a cheese.

Next he turned Draco into a cheese.

Next he turned Crabbe and Goyle into bananas. My mouth watered.

I HAD TO HAVE THOSE BANANAS!

However, next, he turned everyone else . . . besides me, lucky me! into cheeses.

I sauntered over to the bananas and peeled them. As I popped them into my mouth whole, the Draco cheese hopped over to me.

"Don't you dare eat my friends! Cannibalism!" he shouted.

Soon, all the cheeses were after me, except for Ron and Harry.

"Cannibalism!" they yelled. "Cannibalism!"

"Help!" I yelled.

Dumblydore ran in.

"Hi Hermit!" he said.

"Hello Dumblydore!"

"So what were you calling me for?" he asked.

"I don't know. Something stupid. Want a cheese?"

"Sure!" Dumblydore exclaimed, chomping up a cheddar Blaise.

"Wow! This is yuuuumy!" he said, dancing a jig in happiness.

"Let's get out of here!" he said, taking a mozzarella Harry for company.

As Dumblydore chomped on Harry, he led me to his office.

"Say the password, Hermit!"

"Banana," I guessed. And it was right.

"Excellent job, Hermit."

"Thank you, Dumblydore."

As I walked into Dumblydore's office, I felt a rush . . . when I saw that DA WHOLE ROOM WUZ COVERD IN BANANAZ!


	6. Meanwhile in Transformation

_**~Harry~**_

As I churned around in Dumblydore's stomach, I suddenly was sucked into a small hole. I'm not going to describe the rest of what happened to me.

_**~Ron~**_

I was still sitting in the class. "Yay! Crabbe, Goyle, Blaise, Harry, and Hermione are gone! That's great!"

"I know, isn't it?" Neville asked. "Finally I get to get away from the pressure!"

I agreed with Neville, who, by the way, was a slightly large block of muenster.

"Of course, I'm with none of my friends . . . but . . . I guess it doesn't matter!" Neville said, smiling. "This is fun!"

Suddenly a trampoline appeared out of nowhere and we all started jumping on it and laughing.

Then the trampoline turned into an apple and we all took a bite.

Then the apple turned into a computer and we all wrote a sentence on the awesome fanfiction called 'Bananas for Bananas' by hkhkcat.

Then the computer turned into a TV and we all watched it for three hours until we had to go to Charms.

As we walked well not walked as we hopped over to Charms I suddenly edited the Bananas for Bananas fanfiction by hkhkcat so that I could not use punctuation and it was awesome

NextIediteditsothatIcouldnotuseaspaceanditwasalsoa wesomebuthardtoreadsoIchangeditbacktoregularheehee hee

So then I walked over to Charms and Professor Nitpick was there.

"Hello Professor Nitpick!" I said.

"Hello, Ron!" he grumbled happily.

"Why are you grumbling happily?" I asked.

"Because it's a grumbly happy day!" he said. "Just fine for grumbling happily!"

I agreed again.

Next Neville piped up.

"Can you turn us back into humans? And don't eat us!"

"Sorry, but no. Oh, and I've been craving a nice slice of Muenster this whole time."

I watched in horror as Professor Nitpick picked up poor Neville, and took a huge bite of him.

"Ouch!" Neville yelled in pain and surprise as he went down Professor Nitpick's gullet.

_I guess I'm alone now,_ I thought.

"So, Professor, can you help me?"

"I'm sorry," the professor replied. "I do Charms, not Transformation."

So then I left and went back to Professor McGonagall. She was a cheese, too, but quickly turned herself back into a human. I'm pretty sure she was a lump of feta.

**MY FAVORITE!**

"Professor?"

"Yes?"

"Could you please turn me back into a human?"

"Sure!" McGonagall said, and soon I was a human again.

However, I wasn't Ron. I was . . . MALFOY!


	7. Malfoy's Clone

_**~Malfoy~**_

So, I'm walking down the hallway when I see another guy. I mean, he's blond and all, but when I stepped closer, I saw that it was me! As I walked toward him, realizing that I was still a cheese.

I HATE being gorgonzola. I STINK! And in the smell way, not in, you know.

So, whoever it was, because that was not me, stepped forwards. I raised my cheese wand and blasted him out of the sky.

"Who's me now?" I asked contempously.

"Who are you, anyway?" I asked with a squint.

"I'm Ron!" he said.

"Ron?" I asked quizzically.

"Yes, bloody hell, I'm Ron! Are you deaf?"

I was, actually, rendered temporarily deaf by Ron's colorful use of language.

"MALFOY?" Ron asked at the top of his lungs.

"What?" I groaned..

"Are you okay?- well, never mind. I'm not going to ask that, you being so mean and all."

"Excuse me?" I asked. "Mean! Ha! Says you!"

"Says me? Well, here's what I think to that!" Ron said.

"%^%*&$*#()&*^*()&*(&* %^&*( ^#4870^$^&(%^&$%^#^&$%^*$%^##%$%*^$%*^$%#&!" he doth said.

"If your mum was here, you'd be dead in a minute!" I laughed.

"Oh yeah? Who says?"

"I do!"

After that long argument, I hopped off, still being a hunk of gorgonzola, and Ron, being me, stalked away.

_**~Hermione~**_

"Dumblydore caan I hav a banana?" I asked gloriously.

"Suure Hermit!" he exclaimed.

"yayayayyayayayayayayayayayayayyayayayayayayayayay ayayyaayayayyyyyyaayayayayayyyayyayaayayyaaaaaaaaa ay!" I yelled and grabbed the nearest banana.

"Tak as muhc as yuo wnat!" Dumblydore said, and I quickly grabbed a bunch and shoved them all in my mouth.

WITHOUT PEELING

"Hermit! Peell thos banannas befor yuo eta tem!" Dumblydore shouted. "Peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell peell!"

"Yes Dumblydore!" I said.

**Sorry that this was one of the shorter chapters. I'll try and make it longer next time.**


	8. THE END

_**~Hermione~**_

I threw myself onto a giant pile of peeled bananas. Soon Dumblydore's office was completely empty, so I headed for the Dining Hall.

I quickly ate all those bananas and soon there were none left in da whole skool! Yay!

After Dumblydore chewed me out, I met Professor McGonagall. She said that this nonsense was not good, so I said: what are you going to do about it?

She said that she was going to put a "healing charm" on the school. And when I asked what that was, she said it would heal the school's "epidemic."

What is an epidemic?

I think that it is a Snape.

Anyway, she made these weird motions like swish, swish, jump, twirl, flick.

After that, the school turned purple. Suddenly I felt reallllllllllllllly full and I never wanted to eat a banana again. Next Dumblydore walked in.

"The name's Dumbledore, Hermione. Don't call me Dumblydore again, or you're gonna get it."

"Fine, fine, fine!" I grumbled.

Hogwarts was terrible this "new" way.

Well, at least it was still purple.


End file.
